19.4.14

Dear friends and readers. After a brief spell of not much to report the world of Prostate cancer has once again entered an exciting stage. Returning from a long holiday I went for a check-up that showed my PSA reading had risen meaning that probably the cancer was not eradicated with the operation and that it was growing again. The doctor suggested that radiotherapy was the next step. Not the news I was hoping for so they arranged for my appointment with Dr Payne in oncology to be brought forward. When I asked about a prognosis he assured me I’d probably last until the end of the next fishing season, so all’s well for now. I’m beginning to wonder if hospitals choose doctors for their appropriate names since I have recently seen both doctor Payne and Dr Dhai. Roll on Dr. Hell.

On turning up at the clubhouse the following week I found that the appointment had been cancelled and nobody told me. When I eventually re-scheduled a visit I found out that my PSA had risen very slightly to 0.02 and was still too low to start radio therapy. The supposition is that there are still cancer cells at the site of the operation. Normally RT .is not given until PSA reaches 0.2 but in my case they will give it to me when it gets to 0.1. They must like me.

With regard to mechanics in the trousers dept. (somewhat compromised by the prostatectomy,) I have had a good look at and try-out of some of the possible solutions. Were it just a matter of rigidity there would be no problem but the Induratio Penis Plastica (Peyronie’s disease) persists and a banana shaped appendage has few uses short of somewhere to hang your hat. However help is at hand with the  all new Coloplast Titan Touch Zero penile prosthesis which is a surgically inserted implant that is combined with a straightening proceedure.  At my recent appointment with the big nob doctor I was referred to a specialist nurse who threw a dead squid on the table and told me it would fix the problem. This fascinating, slightly luminous silicone device utilises a couple of expansion chambers, a pump and saline reservoir to provide engorgement. Six weeks after the quick operation the lucky recipient will be able to inflate at any time. It works by pumping the saline solution into the chambers until the desired affect is achieved. I did ask if I could have any size I want but was told that was their decision. In case of breakdown you are also provided with a bike pump and puncture repair kit. The Italian consultant assures me that Silvio Berlusconi has one. With regard to radio therapy there appears to be an unexpected bonus – I get a free tattoo thrown in. This is in the form of some small, permanent dots on the abdomen that help the radiographer to aim the ray gun at the right place. So what with living in London Fields and having a beard I may soon have some tattoos so then I’ll be even more trendy. I believe tatts in this area are known as tramp stamps. Top marks to me for getting rigidity, engorgement, inflation and trousers into this report.

Next week : corpora cavernosa and more fish. Luv Magnus x