Friday 7th September 2012 – No.4
Hello friends and readers.
Welcome to Cancer Weekly No.4 Better late than never. I hope you weren’t worried I’d kicked the bucket.
The good news is the catheter, which was the diameter of a drainpipe, has been removed and I no longer go everywhere looking like Dr Phibes with a bag of urine strapped to my leg. It also means I can pass through airport security without problems regarding fluids.
After nearly 3 weeks of that attachment I now enjoy my new freedom of movement but am engaged in a fight to control temporary incontinence. I find myself in the privileged position of being able to choose (or try to) between farting with or without wetting my pants at the same time. It’s all to do with the coordination between the Clacker Valve* and the bladder sphincter. In order to make this matter less messy whilst trying to regain control of the pelvic floor, I am armed with a box of Discreet Male Protective Pads (nappies) that I stick in the gusset of my newly purchased, large-size Y fronts. On the outside of the box it says “Now with new more masculine pack design”.
The adhesive strip on the nappies takes a bit of getting used to. On a couple of attempts I have managed to stick it to the end of my nob causing considerable pain in removal. I wonder why the glue has to be that strong? They are made in Sweden by masochists. However, although I could do without all this I do like to think that wearing a nappy makes me look younger.
Our fashion correspondent, nurse Xteen, says that Gucci’s marketing line for their spring 2013 collection will be “If you’re rich take the piss”. Assuming the the urinary leg bag will not be in their collection, the Daily Twit design team have come up with a range of their own. If you know anyone with enough dosh to pay for an ad in Vogue it could be rather fun? A must for the glitterati fashionistas.
Walking down Mare St. the other day I saw a young man holding a sign made from a cereal packet saying “FREE PRAYER” (aren’t they all?). He asked how I was so I told him and he put his hand on my shoulder whilst his attractive assistant held my arm and he offered a first class prayer to God to bring me strength and good health. It was a strangely moving experience unhindered by any other agenda. I came away very happy. As I left tearfully he told me that during my healing process God may reveal himself to me. I rather hope he does. That evening I went to see the Pretty Things in the Eel Pie club and as I watched these old rockers I wondered how their prostates were. My friend Dr. Manic gave me a powerful Buddhist chant that I have to repeat, nam my-oho renge kyo!
Although returning to work is something for the future, with Loo Loo’s camera and direction we have made a number of films illustrating additional uses for the portable wee wee bag. One or 2 are not to everyone’s taste so maybe I’ll put them on Vimeo rather than in an attachment. I hope that in future they will be seen as educational and form part of a blockbuster show of cancer art and entertainment. I have also discovered that the discs of my PET and MRI scans contain some really great hidden images. With the right software these can be viewed in 3D. I’m hoping to meet the head of imaging dept at the hospital who has expressed interest in working with an artist. I’ll have to see if I can find one.
The next episode in this exciting drama occurs on 14th Sept when I go to see the specialist team at UCLH for biopsy results, pathology report and the plan for future treatment. I have learnt through my previous experience of these meetings that a stiff upper lip could is useful. However, I’m having a Macmillan reflexology session beforehand so maybe by the time I get to them I’ll be cured.
Once again, many thanks to all who have added their good wishes to the great seething mass of positivity that has accrued. I am aware that candles have been lit, prayers prayed, chants chanted, offerings burnt and notes hung on trees of life. I really appreciate and believe it makes a huge difference. Also thanks for all correspondence received, much of which has been most illuminating. Dr Slim Lucas confirms my belief with the following – I hear from an informed friend that your theory about contracting cancer from Louise’s dog is very plausible one and that this is very common. Just as I suspected.
Also, just in case things downstairs don’t fully return to normal my brother in cancer Herr Heinz Krautberger has suggested I could join him in employment as a harem guard and nurse de la Hey points out that my 6 abdominal stigmata put me 2 up on Jesus.
Anyway I hope you are well wherever you are.
Love and nappies, Magnus xxx
* Thanks to doctor Davis for giving me the correct term for the anal sphincter.