Dear Friends and Readers welcome to Cancer Weekly No.12    

This week, the exciting world of prostate cancer opens up new windows onto the world of discomfort and irritation.

Since the insertion of the Coloplast Titan* penis contraption in September, the actual concern over the cancer has taken a back-seat. Now firmly in place this squid-like, apparatus is partially settled with all the scabs and stitches healed and dissolved. However there are now 3 items jostling for space in my scrotum and one of them is trying to get out. The pump device is not behaving as it should and has settled in the wrong place and it’s jolly uncomfortable. My nurse who I know as Lovely Fiona tells me I need a scan and minor surgery to fix it. Oh well!

However in general things are fine and I can now cycle short distances if I position my bum to one side of the saddle. Ideally a saddle with a hole in the middle would be desirable.

My last report concerning the Witchdoctor’s administrations (draining blood from the back of the knees) led many to believe he is a bloodthirsty loony but I will stick with it. His initial blood tests discovered I had some considerable DNA adducts (cancer-causing chemicals bonded to one’s DNA) including cadmium and malondialdehyde, which as you know is a naturally occurring product of lipid peroxidation and prostaglandin biosynthesis that is mutagenic and carcinogenic. Using natural remedies the worst adducts have been removed and now attention has moved to the less problematic but still nasty sulphates that remain. Better off without that lot.

I have just had an exhibition of small digital prints in a cafe/delicatessen in London. Named “Surgical Dreams” it comprised a number of works inspired by recent surgery and drugs. Not the best of spaces to look at the works but some of them provided a good counterpoint to the scoffing taking place.

Just as a matter of interest, so that I could inform my son when he will inherit my impressive estate I checked out a couple of online Death Date sites. I am now satisfied to know that I will die on 19/2/25 or 20/5/36. So no rush to complete the bucket list. The existing list has now only got 2 items as I ticked off colonic irrigation a couple of months ago.

In a further attempt to steal my thunder, my mum has now expressed a desire to eat her clothes and discusses possible ways of cooking coats and socks. I should ask her to write a column for the Daily Twit.

So, until a gripping report of further interventions and realignments, goodbye and stay well.

Luv Magnus x

* This erection device is marvellously named after the Titans, a bunch of deviants that specialised in castration, incest and child-devouring as well as giving birth to the equally degenerate Olympian gods. The charming Cronos actually emasculated his father Uranus. (no sniggering at the back)